You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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