I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
