mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
