I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
