i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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