if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
