You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
