walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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