Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize