I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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