all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I will be naked everywhere
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
