just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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