hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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