The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
