Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
