Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
