I am in a vortex of obligation.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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