oh god the rape fog is back!
Sober January is a disaster.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
