You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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