I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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