I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
