Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
