We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
