I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
