your thong is hanging out like whoa
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
