We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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