I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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