you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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