oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
