didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
His nipple licking is glorious
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