Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
