My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
