awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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