Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He passed out mid-signature
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
