Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
