I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i believe in u and ur pee
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
