So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
