I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Come share oat with me in your robe
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
