homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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