I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
