i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Shame - the story of my life.
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