am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
