hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
