New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
