I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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