I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
