i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
