What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
