I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
