**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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