Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
