Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
