you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
