I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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