We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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